Ireland made it to their first major football competition in 10 years with an emphatic (yet unsurprising) demolition of Estonia in the play-off decider. What awaits us in Group C is another monster completely. The might of Spain and Italy mixed with grit and underdogs Croatia who have sprung more than a few surprises in their time. Realistically, our hopes of progress rely firmly on the Spaniards contracting the Ebola virus (even at that, I predict a 1-1 draw), the Italians withdrawing from the competition altogether after reports of several squad members betting accounts have offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands and the slight chance that Croatia is assimilated back into Yugoslavia and embrace love over the violent and conflict-filled game that is football. But if that doesn't happen, how will Ireland's adventure to Poland and the Ukraine go?
Our opening game versus Croatia will basically decide our progress beyond the group stages. A win against the tricky Croat's will no doubt build up confidence to immeasurable levels and the Spanish and I-talians will no doubt crumble at the mere sight of WHELAN and ANDREWS, a partnership that makes the tiki-takaier's Xavi and Andrés Iniesta look like schoolboys (size wise anyway). On the field however, I would expect Spain to dominate possession. As they inevitably do. Always. However, as boring European Champions Chelsea exhibited against the cool teams like Barcelona and Bayern Munich (or as I always prefer to call them; FC Bayern Munchen, rawr), boring football bores the opposition into submission. Chelsea's reliance on long-ball Jackie Charltonism may have worked a treat against Barca and Munchen, and could well do so again against the handbag carrying Spaniards, but how will it work against those dastardly I-talians?
Charltonism: Jack explains route one football to an unfortunate player
Traditional Italian football standards in the group stages suggest a slow start and a great finish (usually over-performing to levels that generally consist of finishing as Semi-Finalists or winning it). But based on their slow start and overly defensive set-up against out overly defensive set-up, don't be surprised if the scoreline ends up something like -1 apiece. So, based on my calculations of our results from those first three games will leave us with something resembling 9 points or thereabouts, which would give us a slight chance of making the Quarter-Finals. This means France or England (or ideally Sweden or Ukraine, but this is a serious article so we'll keep it that way). Both France and England seem like tantalising revenge jobs. The English, perpetual Quater-Finalists and hazy after heavy partying for the Queen's Jubes will only field six players due to injuries, excuses and hangovers while the French will receive 7 red cards for continuously handling the ball (clichéd I know) and will eventually forfeit in embarrassment as super-sub Paul McShane scores a 70-yard screamer.
Paul McShane: Thundering lummox or footballing superstar?
After making it that far, I assume the greatest challenge to our European domination will be the Germans and the Dutch. The Netherlands will be as fiesty and competitive as they come. Tackles would fly in and cards will be shown at will. The deciding moment of the match will be a clash between Irish member of the Night's Watch Richard Dunne and Dutch warlock Nigel De Jong. After extra-time, Dunne finishes De Jong off in a brutal submission maneuver that renders De Jong's loins void for the rest of his life. Win via submission and IRELAND ARE IN THE FINAL. But against the Germans. A force so powerful in European football they stole it from 1933-1945. A final of terrific spectacle, some of the finest football ever to be seen will be played on this night. Silky Mario Gomez versus the now world class and £54 million quid rated Paul McShane is the battle of the century. But with all the talent on display, it's a shut-out 0-0 at full time. Extra-time breaks Irish hearts with the introduction of 57-year old powerhouse Angela Merkel. As shown on numerous occasions before, The Irish teams inability to deal with the lofty German enforcer costs us dear. But despite falling at the final rotund German hurdle, it will be a great tournament for the Irish. Beaten finalists is nothing to be ashamed of. Neither is conceding multiple sucker punches to a 57-year old German lady. As they say, that's football. Bring on BRAZIL in 2014 where the Irish team will have the pleasure of watching in Ireland.
Angela Merkel: 114 goals in 21 German appearances.
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